Hairpology

Dear Mr. Baby:

I'm really sorry, and the more I think about it the worse I feel.

I don't know how it got into your bottle, and I'll be honest -  I noticed it after you had already been eating for a while, and so I figured there wasn't any point to freaking out and running around the house screaming, "The baby is eating a dog hair!'' Nor did I really feel like throwing all that milk out, because I don't know if I've told you how I feel about expressing breast milk.  It makes me wish I were a man.  Not for the obvious reason that I wouldn't have to express milk, but because then I could say things like, ''I'd rather slam my cock in a car door,'' if someone ever asked me what I thought of it.  And I figured you had probably ingested whatever was on the dog hair by then.  I spent a brief few seconds calculating (non-scientifically, non-statistically, and non-geometrically) the odds of a dog hair going through a bottle nipple and decided they were low.
 
However...you finished the bottle and the dog hair was gone.  Now, I do want to point something out here, which is that Fred is a black and white dog, so it's just our bad luck that we even know about this. Still, as usual I became a little bit worried, and then went completely psycho, and then looked on the Internet to make sure I really lost my shit.  Oddly, the Internet mostly tells you what to do if your dog eats baby hair, which either makes me feel better or worse as a mother, depending on how you look at it.  Anyway, of course I stumbled onto unrelated things, and what do you know Mr. Baby?  There's all this shit on the Internet about how if you're screaming for hours and nothing consoles you, it could be a hair wrapped around your penis.  So god only knows what a dog hair will do in your intestines.

Well, I got calmed down about that (I won't tell you how, but suffice it to say that Motherisk thinks I should wait 2 hours to feed you, rhymes with "odd car'' in Bostonian), and then I looked out the window at our dog, who was standing in the cow pen eating cow shit.  I can only assume that there's a 50% chance that some cow shit is on a hair from that dog, since he spends most of his time in there with the cows, who spend most of their time shitting.

You seem to be fine, and not any poopier than usual.  But I still feel pretty bad, so this is an apology.  I figure I could also twist this all around and claim that you might be better off for eating shitty dog hairs, since it seems that first-world babies aren't dirty enough, according to some of the Internet.  I don't know Mr. Baby.  The oracle is divided on this topic.

Anyway Mr. Baby...sorry about that.  Please don't get any poopier.  
Please.