Dear Mr. Baby:
I think maybe we need to discuss why I keep doing this to you. You hate it, and I hear you cluckin' big chicken. You've made your point, even if all that you making a point can consist of is some really hideous squawking. You sound like a thousand dying peacocks. I. get. it. You don't like sleeping on your back. You don't really even like being placed on your back, unless it's on the dryer, and I think the only reason you really like that is because you get your poopy pants changed there and you can, occasionally, stick your feet in your own poop if you play your cards right. Also, you're mesmerized by a geographically incorrect cartoon picture of the world. But I digress. You hate your back, and that's a big bummer, because as of 1993 they've got this thing called Back To Sleep. I won't bore you with the details, it just boils down to this: basically, I can't put you on your tummy without being convinced that you're going to die. There are posters and brochures, it's on the Internet. It is for real.
What's that? Oh, all the children from before 1993? I think they're just lucky to be alive.
What's that? Oh I know what I say, I know what I say about the validity of studies and statistics and all that shit, but the Internet propaganda and the twisted, macabre posters at the hospital with quasi-statistics on them and pictures of babies who are about to die have me freaked right the hell out. I would be a Bad Mother for putting you on your tummy, and you will die. Just like if you look at plastic or don't breastfeed or I give you a pacifier or your toys are made in Bangladesh.
What? Oh the car seat. That again. Yeah, well, I mean....we have to draw the line somewhere. Because really? Expired? It's not a goddam carton of milk. Also, we're Americans in Canada, and we live on the edge.
You're right, Mr. Baby. I am picking and choosing here. You might as well get used to it. The point is this: we can't put you on your tummy to sleep. It has to be your back. I've tried putting you on your side but you sleep like you're playing badminton to the death and whack yourself repeatedly awake in your big, oversize head. Oh, I know, I can I Ruth Goldberg all the pillows and blankets in the house so that you're squashed in there just so, and then we all just stand back and look at it the way you do after you had too many martinis and got a little brave playing Jenga. It won't last. You can't even imagine why you tried. That is stressful, Mr. Baby. Not to mention annoying. You'll know what I mean when you're old enough to play Jenga. Or diffuse a bomb. So Back To Sleep it is.
Yes, it should be called Back to Screaming. It really should.
I personally know a woman with four boys who claims to have put all her babies on their tummies to sleep. In the past decade, no less. I have seen photographic evidence that they all survived. Also, the day is coming when Mr. Baby is going to flip himself onto his tummy while he sleeps, which is a whole new mental debate. Let him sleep? Flip him back? Ugh. I say put him on his tummy for naps and stay on standby, just in case.
ReplyDeleteJanel: It's so annoying. I KNOW he will be fine. Good christ, he never sleeps long enough to die anyway. But like everything, there's the What If Something Happened. What If What If....if I had known I was going to lose my mind like this, I doubt I would have had the balls to have a baby. But I like your plan. It's a good compromise between anxious first-world middle-class guilt, and being fucking realistic.
ReplyDeleteMy oldest "napped" in his high-chair until he was three. Only because he fell asleep within seconds of finishing a meal... It was lovely. When he was tiny he just slumped over wherever he was. I felt a twinge of guilt about that; What If he smothers himself in his own double chin? I just bought one of those chairs that can tip back. Then my Mr. Baby #2 came along and squashed my idea of napping babies. That boy had to be swaddled and held like I was some kind of human straight jacket while he screamed his way to sleep. And if he was put in a crib he would wake up instantly and climb out like a little acrobat. Such a pain in the ass, that kid. My kids all slept with me (against medical advice :) ) and they survived. No one was crushed or suffocated and I don't know if they slept on their sides/fronts/backs... I was already asleep.
ReplyDeleteI agree with your friend's advice. A little tummy sleeping won't kill them. Plus, isn't all this "Back to Sleep" advice circumstantial since they don't actually know what causes babies to die in their sleep...? Is it one of those "it won't hurt but it might not help" pieces of medical advice? I've been out of the baby circuit for a few years.
Linsey...this is EXACTLY what I say every time I hear something about SIDS...I say, if you can't demonstrate a causal relationship between X and DYING, don't go around telling people about it and ruining nap time. It's the only time I can think straight for godssake. I mean, maybe more kids sleeping on their stomachs die of SIDS, but also maybe more redheaded kids do, too. Should we terrorize those people? I'd like to know more about the reasoning behind making this recommendation - I suspect they just needed something to tell people to do. Still, thinking all this, I always feel that little twinge of mommy-guilt for putting him on his tummy.
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