More clearer communicatizing

Dear Mr. Baby:

I spend a lot of my day asking questions, some of them rhetorical, some of them not. Generally this is a huge waste of my time, because whatever you say back has little relation to anything on the planet:

A: Can you please set the salt shaker down?
B: Marlow likes Bus Tayo has some bunny and a grusza! He doesn't like it and it's really broken.

It occurs to me that maybe it would be helpful to you to know why I am asking, to better facilitate you providing a helpful response. After all, you're a smart kid. So here are some addenda to things you hear, frequently - oh so frequently - around the house:

Is there any way, any way at all, you can put your thumb into the thumb hole?
Because if it's just not possible, if it's like time travel, we can just give up on it. It's forty-five minutes of my life, every day, that I'll never get back.

Is everyone in this house actually trying to push me over the edge?
I like to see things like mandatory institutionalization coming, plus why make another fucking lunch if this is the case?

How many times have I told you blah blah blah?
Just being sarcastic. I'm actually more interested in a rough estimate of the number of times you think I might have to say blah blah blah again before you're like, oh! I'm literally eating away at someone's soul by blah blah blahing. Maybe I should fucking stop, like someone asked me to 465,214 times before.

Out of curiosity, why do you think I put that there?
Seriously. Out of curiosity, why do you think I put that there? Wouldn't I just go ahead and stuff a cereal box into the toilet if that was where I wanted it?

Why are you kicking the baby?
He's the second child. No one is paying any attention to him (he's inside the diaper pail...ehhh, it's almost bathtime anyway). The baby is cute. It seems sort of psychotic to walk across the room and just start kicking a baby. Why are you kicking a baby?

What did I say about eating your crayons? 
I'm just curious if you can field this one.

Can you take it down a notch?
It seems like it's physically possible. It seems like it might actually be easier than yelling everything at that particular frequency.

Do you think you need seven spoons for that? Really? 
Because it sort of seems like you don't need any spoons for eating crackers at all.

Don't you want to use at least one spoon for that?
I mean, most people use spoons for soup. But that's just because it's a liquid.

Is your sippy cup, in fact, possessed by the soul of a lemming?
Because I'd hate to be blaming you for what is single-handedly the most unnecessary and annoying aspect of my day.

Do you remember why you went in time out?
This, I just like to ask this for the humourous responses that I get. I know you have no fucking clue.