Are you tripping?

I'm working on a Theory of Infants, which I have patched together from: 1) some information I retained from a biopsychology class taken way back in the nineties, 2) my distracted observations of other infants and drug users, 3) various pop culture references, and 4) the incredibly weird shit you do on a daily basis.

Biopsychology:

I recall learning a lot more in that class than I could manage to recall at this date, but a lot has happened between here and there, which I shall bore you with, Mr. Baby, at another time.  The point?  I forgot everything except for these three interesting/important facts, delivered at some point during the semester by a translucent professor who chain-smoked and seemed much more viscerally cognizant of the effects of most of the drugs he described than mere textbooks or labwork generally confer upon a person.

1) Aspirin enhances the effects of alcohol, which stands out not because the fact was particularly fascinating or even unexpected, but because the professor walked out on the last half of the lecture mumbling something like ''every time, every goddam time,'' and ''profanely idiotic'' after someone raised his hand to ask if Ibuprofen would also work.  It's a scene that takes on greater poignancy with every passing day of my life.

2) Nutmeg, in absurdly large quantities, mimics the effects of LSD, which I remember because nutmeg seems so innocuous and related to Christmas, albeit via eggnog, and LSD seems, well - so distant from and nontangential to cookies and Santa Claus and overly cheerful trees.

3) Slightly related to the previous point, and in fact the only factoid relevant to the current argument, all mind-altering drugs work because there is a similar drug already manufactured in the human body. 

Observations of Infants:

I didn't pay a lot of attention to infants prior to having you, except for that year I ran a hybrid mafia-communist babysitting business (mafia for the bellicosity with which I 'edged' out my competition, communist for the jovially non-profiteering nature of my prices).  Anyway, I don't know why anyone let me watch those kids, but I observed this: they all seemed to be freakishly staring and drooling and intermittently laughing and then crying at nothing at all.  

Observations of Drug Users:

We've all been to a concert or two (where we've seen other people engaging in this sort of very bad, very prohibited behavior).  And I observed this: everyone on drugs seems to be freakishly staring and drooling and intermittently laughing and then crying at nothing at all.

Pop-culture References:

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.  

Observations of You:

I've observed this: you seem to spend a lot of time freakishly staring and drooling and intermittently laughing and then crying at nothing at all.  Like today, when your crib guy, "Spider,'' with whom you were having an amicable conversation for several minutes, replete with hand waving and enormous toothless grinning, just freaked you right the hell out.  But I mean, like, right the hell, I-just-saw -apocalyptic-locusts-eating-my-mother's-face-off-in-a-room-full-of-clowns-and-jewelery-box -music-and-Teletubbies, out.  Two minutes later you guys were back to laughing again.  A similar incident happened with your friend "Wall,'' who you seem to be in love with, and I think the fact that you even have intimate confidants like ''Ceiling'' and ''Floor'' is strong evidence in favor of what I shall shortly propose.  However, the inordinately large amount of time you spend, unable to sleep, with your mouth and eyes open in a fascinated stupor, attempting to pick the tiny designs off of your clothes and sheets, essentially closes the case on this armchair neuropsychology manifesto.

My Theory of Infants, in case you have not pieced it together, is that infants are just tripping out on the naturally-produced version of LSD afloat in their tiny, incomplete little brains.  You're not insane, Mr. Baby.  You're just really, really high.