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Saturday, May 17, 2014

Forensic Reformation

Dear Mr. Baby:

Hey there good buddy. There's been a lull in the webchronicling of your foibles, mostly because the janitorial and short-order cookery has piled up considerably since both of you became mobile. Though I've been plodding along at it all in my typical uncomplaining fashion, I am considering the slow introduction of several amendments to our habitual relationships. This is being done in an effort to actually avoid hospitalization for a psychotic break, a phrase I use often in a "jocular" manner and which you may be familiar with.

So starting both literally and figuratively small, let's reform Forensics Duties. Please note that in this section, the following definitions will be used:

Questioner: You or your brother, or anyone else asking absurd questions about objects within 10 feet of the Identifier.

Identifier: The caregiver "in charge" at the time of identification requests. This person is identifiable by level of irritation.

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1) Items which have already been identified greater than 25 times will not be identified.

2) Items that it does not matter what the fuck they are will be identified as "It's not important," and the Questioner will accept this identification. If the Questioner believes this identification to be in error, he is advised to hold the item in his palm near the Dog's mouth for further evaluation.

3) Items that the Identifier cannot see without a microscope will not be identified.

4) The Questioner will cease finding the identification of items as "a piece of X" to be unsatisfactory. Statistically speaking, 91% of items brought for identification are "a piece of [plastic]," while 7% are "a piece of [something else]." Also, this is not a fucking forensics lab.

5) Items will not be brought to the Identifier by the Questioner while the Identifier is carrying "dangerous" items*, including but limited to: boiling water, knives, metal objects with a surface temperature of 350 degrees or greater, anything covered in feces, anything covered in vomit, grocery bags, wine glasses, ceramics, glass, or anything on fire.

*The Identifier realizes that this will severely limit the Questioner's timeframes for identifying items, but sincerely, deeply, does not care.

6) The Questioner will leave liquid, semi-liquid, and liquified items where they are found, and request that the Questioner accompany the Identifier to this location.

7) If the Questioner fails to comply with #6, but remembers it in transitu, the Questioner will refrain from projecting, smearing, tossing, throwing, wiping, or generally transferring the liquid, semi-liquid, or liquified item to another item in the house or on any person or on any domesticated animal while shouting "That's disgusting!"  

8) Under no circumstances will any items found in the bathroom be identified.

9) The Questioner will ask about the identification of items at a frequency no greater than one time per minute, using his Inside Voice.

10) The Questioner will not repeat the phrases "Oh Jesus," "For the love of all that is holy," or "Good lord," when they are used in conjunction with the Identifier's response.
 
Thank you Mr. Baby. Please translate this for the other child.

PS - Sorry about your haircut.

2 comments:

  1. Thank God. I hadn't heard foibles in too long.
    But seriously, hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thx Lisa. IMA try to be more consistent.

    ReplyDelete