Two things you can't do, not you, two by two

Inspired by Dr. Seuss and David Rakoff

Dear Mr. Baby, the first one, and you
The baby I almost never write to,
You're brothers, I know, and it's cute all this love
And the ways that you fit like a sticky-gross glove,

But I think you should know,
there's some things you can't do,
Well one at a time, yes, but not both of you two
Sometimes it may seem I'm a little bit pissed,
So you understand why, I've compiled a list:

Don't fucking stand on the table together,
Don't cram two of you into the same fucking sweater,
Don't try both wear the same fucking shoe,
It's one baby, one potty, while taking a poo,
Two people cannot eat the same fucking crayon,
Only one person can stand on one fucking pan,

It's not fucking easy to remove two screeching babies
Who claw and bite like they have fucking rabies,
From the deepest recesses of some fucking cabinet,
Where they crammed themselves in to munch on a magnet.

You can't both carry around the same goddam bear,
You can't possibly gorge on the same fucking pear,
There's a reason we have two rakes in the yard,
Because two people raking the same thing's too hard,
You can't both fucking sit in the same fucking place,
Be it my head, or a chair, or on top of Fred's face,
You can't have the same piece of cooked macaroni,
And the two of you can't each eat all the bologne,


It's just things like this that should give you some pause,
We live in this world and this world has some laws, 
Two things cannot be in the same place and same time
That's how it works, and it all works out fine,
So please if you can't figure out how to share
I have to say that I don't really care
But stop fucking screaming and read the above
Don't do these dumb things.
Show me some love.