Snacks

Dear Mr. Baby:

Some moms may feel bad saying "no'' to their kids.  And you've become unbearably cute, what with the eyelashes and all, so I can see how, in a toy store, or a book store, or just good old Wal-Mart, you might get away with some such nonsense as talking me into buying an inflatable castle with club lights and a three-car garage.  Since I've had you, I can see how a lot of things can happen that, before I had you, made no sense to me whatsoever.  Now I see things with a much more raw clarity, like this: if your kid is sitting there in front of the TV for six mindless hours, it might be true he isn't getting any smarter, but that's six hours during which you might be able to move freely about your own home and perhaps complete an online banking transaction or understand what is being said to you on the phone.  It happens.

But just so you know, if you want an evil snack, even if you really really want it, you're up against it good buddy.  I will have NO PROBLEM telling you where to get off the bus and grab a carrot.  Because here is a list of all the things, traditional embraced with zeal in my diet, which I am now unable to eat:

Beer
Bread
Doughnuts
Cheese
Yogurt
Butter to go on the bread
Pasta
Pierogi
Alfredo Sauce
Vodka Cream Sauce
Blue Cheese
Yellow Cheese
Tasty Cheese
Processed Cheese
Fancy Cheese
Cheap Cheese
Expensive Cheese
Sweetened Condensed Milk directly out of the can
Pizza
Beer
Crackers
Crackers with Cheese

Oh what happens if eat these things?  If I'm like, oh whatever, when has a cracker ever caused someone's life to completely unravel, to totally disintegrate into a nightmarish hell?  When has one wheat cracker ever submerged a person in a blazing inferno, when has a solitary cracker dragged someone to the precipice of madness and lunacy, turned them into a shuddering, overheated creature, trapped in a prison of auditory anguish, condemned and filled with regret, shedding silent tears in a deafening purgatory?  It's just a fucking cracker. 

And if I think, I'd like to put some milk in my coffee, because soy milk in coffee is pretty much like licking the inside of a dead cow's ass?  What if I think, oh a single slice of cheese has never destroyed a human being, never shattered a person's soul with an incessant, stentorian caterwaul?  What if?

What if, indeed, Mr. Baby.  One tiny molecule of wheat, one little fleck of dairy, digested by me though it may be, and transformed, through whatever miracles of biology go on in there, into human milk, still hits your digestive tract and hell actually unfolds in your bowels.  Insomuch as hell is defined by what is probably some very intense discomfort, interpreted by you as soul-wrenching noise.  Accompanied by the most contorted, theatrical squirming ever seen outside of a circus. 

God help us all if someone gets wild and eats the traditional North American appetizer of a cracker with cheese. 

So expect some healthy, tasteless snacks in your future.  Not because I am a particularly good or nutrition-conscious mother, but because, Mr. Baby - I want revenge.